Thursday, 13 November 2014

LET'S TALK: Commitment

The 'C' Word. Anybody scared yet?

Commitment is something that starts feeling like it's getting a hell of a lot more real as you move your way through your twenties (some people may be nodding in agreement, others having too much fun to even be reading this or thinking about commitment!) but, for me, it is.

I said in a recent Let's Talk post about happiness that I want to settle down, get married and have little mini-me's to take care of - that's something I've wanted for a while (the settling down, not so much the mini-me's - although babies do make my ovaries do somersaults!) So many people, I know, are happy alone but I do believe that, that said, so many people also want to be committed to somebody.

I've now lived with two ex-boyfriends - kinda tells you something really, so take of that what you will. I jump feet first into commiting to someone. I've thought, on both occasions, these could be the people I could probably spend my life with. HOW WRONG! And I've kinda realised what the issue is - other than the profanities I could possibly use (but I know I can be a handful, so I know they aren't completely to blame..the last one, maybe...) I have this idealistic view of settling down and running into the sunset and living happily ever after. That is the problem.

But the thing is, if I actually sat down and had a conversation with somebody about this, or during my regular thinking time (I've recently mocked somebody about 'thinking time' but I actually have that every night before bed - it's good to reflect!) I would give a way more realistic view. I don't believe in happily ever after, I don't believe romance really is completely alive anymore - and not because I'm a cynic but because, life isn't like your  favourite romcom and people aren't always happy all of the time. Bad things happen, good things happens; relationships have good moments and then there's the bad ones. The thing I have realised - I might have a rational view or realistic commitment but, the commitment I've tried to live by in the past - it's been with the wrong people. It really has and it seriously takes a massive step away from the situation to realise that.

The first boyfriend I lived with, on reflection; we had our happy times but we just weren't right for each other - we both had other things going on and that just negatively impacted on the relationship. Looking back, I'm glad because we both went on to do things we wanted to do and overcame (I believe!) big personal struggles. It's only now that I think we could actually be friends one day and, to be honest, that's pretty unlikely. My last ex, well we lasted about a week living together. It's still a pretty raw subject so I don't like to delve into it so much - ex number one, well I can, because it's been getting on for two years now since we broke up. If he were to read this, he would hopefully agree with what I'm saying. Ex 2, well, my gut feeling told me months ago that moving in was a bad idea but little Miss Commitment ran off into her idealistic sunset with her veil trailing behind her and a thought bubble of babies in the air. How wrong was I? Very, and I knew it. Cannot stress, trust your gut instinct, it's usually right - and I know, it's hard to admit it. I think that was the problem, I didn't want to admit I knew I was wrong before it even happened.

Part of what I've learned from my views and endeavours with commitment over the years - people very rarely change. That is one the biggest things I've had to try and learn. As much as you try and convince yourself somebody is right for you and that they will make the changes you want or the changes they say they will - it's highly unlikely that they won't. Would you want to spend your life with somebody that you believe has things about them that need to change? No, you wouldn't. And I'm sure that anybody that has also learned these kind of things will agree - their exes will probably agree too.

So I've gone from somebody that wanted commitment to somebody that's pretty much scared of it now. I've made plenty of mistakes, learned plenty of things and now I'm scared to commit, just incase it screws up (I'm speaking hypothetically!) I guess this leads on from my post about happiness really - first and foremost, put your own happiness first because, if you are happy in yourself, well...that's one of the biggest things and best things you can be.

Let's face it - at the moment, the most commitment I show is turning up to CXWORX at 6.45am on a Friday - THAT is commitment!

As far as the 'C' word goes, well, the answer is probably right in front of you...and probably has been for years. I bet you just don't realise it and if you do, read the quote at the top that I found because it speaks a hell of a lot of sense...


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