Sunday, 11 January 2015

LET'S TALK: New Year, Self-Inflicted Pressure and Knowing but Not Knowing

I'm not really sure of the direction of this post but just lately, I have lot on my mind. 

As many of you will know from this weeks Five For Friday or from my frequent complaints via Twitter, I've been ill for two weeks now and it's quite rightly made me really bloody fed up. I don't feel like it's been the greatest start to a new year but also, I'm of the mind set that just because it's a new year it doesn't really need the massive hype. I believe that you can set yourself goals whenever you see fit, not just at the beginning of the year. I also think people put so much pressure on themselves, as I've said before, to make a new year the best year ever.

You know when people say a dog isn't just for Christmas it's for life? Well that's how I feel about goals - they aren't just for January 31st. It's good to reflect, to see what you have or haven't achieved in a year and to have an idea of what you want for the coming year but it isn't the be all and end all. If you half way through the year and feel like it's just been screw up after screw up, it doesn't mean the year is a failure - it's life lessons, experience. I really do think that by really, really focussing on the fact it's a new year, if for one reason or another, goals aren't met, slip ups are made or well, the unpredictability of life just means that things aren't all sunshine and rainbows; this can be a huge set back. Especially for people like me that easily become anxious. And I am SO guilty of putting way too much pressure on myself.

Let me give you an example - I love making lists, always have and always will. My Mum used to joke that I have always spent more time making lists than actually ticking off what's on said list. My problem is, if I do a 'To Do Today' list and don't manage to get everything done or I just have one of those days where I just don't want to do anything, I completely beat myself up about not completing everything. I started setting myself Monthly Goals in 2014 and, although I always set myself Yearly Goals as well as Mini Bucket Lists, they're more about self-reflection and not losing sight of the things I want. Because, like many people, I like to have things to look forward to and to work towards. This isn't about putting pressure on myself - the goals aren't 'lose weight', 'get this many followers on Bloglovin'' - they're goals that are right for me and the way my mind works because I know if I set myself goals that are too strict, I'll put myself under too much pressure.

I think, more than anything, I'm battling with the idea of knowing what I want from life but also having no idea at the same time. Which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, I know but I'm sure somebody reading this will get what I mean - like a sense of knowing but the feeling of something missing at the same time. I blogged last weekend about watching Tigers About The House and wanting something I feel that passionately about. I really want that - and I think that's the thing that gives me the sense of having no idea what I want. I know I want to be successful in a career, with enough money to allow me to travel and do the thing I enjoy in life (eating at new restaurants, trips to London, little events every now and again, trips to see friends all over the country),  I'd like my own house/apartment with a cat or dog, I want to keep writing regularly, having time eo myself to rest, assess and just switch off. But that thing I'm passionate about - I'm not really sure (and if I'm completely honest with myself - I cannot class burgers as my main passion in life and although I love blogging whenever I lack inspiration, I feel ready to throw the towel in)

So, at the moment, I'm getting a little frustrated. As well as putting a lot of pressure on myself, I also lack patience. The things I know I'd like from life (short term or long term) aren't all achievable at this exact moment in time. All these little things, all these little goals I have aren't all achievable in a months time, 6 months time, maybe even a years time. I'll get there though, I know that much. I know it's okay to have these days, weeks, maybe even months where you think 'seriously, I am where I can be right now but I'm so not where I want to be!' 

I've realised this sense of confusion I feel sometimes, those days I have where I analyse every little aspect of my life, where I sit online looking what other people are up to and comparing myself - my appearance, my job, my travel plans, my social plans, the fact EVERYBODY in the world seems to have this amazing life in London...everybody has their struggles, everybody has their uncertainties and, you know what, IT'S ALL PART OF GROWING UP!

The certainties we have in life are that we are born and we, one day, won't be here anymore. That bit in between? That's up to us, to do exactly what we want with it. And in that sense - why add pressure to the lives we are able to create for ourselves. We know what we want, then we want something else, then we feel like we have no idea what we're doing, then everything's get what I'm trying to say, I hope! Life is unpredictable, we are unpredictable but what I'm trying to remind myself - it's okay to feel this way. This sense of knowing but not knowing, being really happy but at the same time feeling like something is missing - because it's all normal. I'm 23, I'm not meant to have it figured out. Nobody has it figured out, there's not a manual on how to live, how to be happy or even the rights and wrongs. 

So there you have it - the ongoings in my head at the moment. No real purpose to this post - just that it's okay to question what you want, what you don't want, what you think you want...basically to question EVERYTHING.

The main thing? I'm content. Content in my confusion and in the idea of knowing but not knowing what I want. Where would the fun in a life that's completely planned out? 


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