Thursday, 26 February 2015

LET'S TALK: Going It Alone

 
I'll warn you before you even start reading this...it's one of those posts. You know, the ones I often write because I have so many thoughts in my head and I just need to get them out...to try and make sense of them, to release them.

I mentioned recently that something kinda big was going on...I was telling myself to take a chance, a chance on the unknown and to go with the flow.

I suppose I'm still trying to get my head around what's gone on since June - after returning from a 10 month backpacking trip, not having a clue where I'm at or what I'm going to do...and then looking at the position I'm in right now. For me, it's mind blowing...

BASICALLY, I've been given an opportunity...to do more, to travel more, to make more of myself. This in itself is a daunting prospect. I still can't divulge much for the next couple of months, but you get the jist, CRAZY changes in my life are about to take off.

If you've read for a while, you'll know I'm a worrier and that the thought of the unknown makes me anxious. I like to plan, I like to know where I stand with people, situations, everything. The one thing about the opportunity I've been given? I hardly feel even a tinge of anxiety about it. I'm trying to decide at the moment whether I'm allowing myself to be relaxed in this false sense of security or whether it's a sign that it's just a bloody good thing that's happening to me.

You see, I'm a pessimist. Not because I don't think good things happen in life, but more because if I expect the worst, then whatever happens isn't a complete disappointment. I know, I know...it's a stupid way to live but try changing that mind set after all of these years. BUT, I actually am...that's the crazy thing. With crazy opportunities, come crazy shifts in how I see things.

I've spent my life feeling like I need somebody. That my own ideas and decisions aren't valid enough without the reassurance from others. I cannot knock my upbringing, not one single bit. I'm an only child, my parents are incredible, I've never had to want for anything...they're the people I've always made my decisions with. This is something I doubt will ever stop. Obviously, I will be the one in control of my own life, but my parents help me stay grounded and it's got me to the point today, that I feel I can make better judgements and decisions on situations.

But right now, I feel like I'm going it alone. Not in a negative way - in a 'I'm a sassy independent single bad ass bitch that is taking charge' - yep, I went there.

I feel like now is MY time. My time to get out there, show the world what I'm made of but, more importantly, show myself what I'm made of. For probably one of the first times in my adult life, I feel like I have the self confidence to be able to tackle problems head on without getting to stifled.

I must admit though, out of every influencing factor on my life right now, the BIGGEST difference I've noticed - not having a significant other is THE BEST thing for me.

My friends all used to joke that 'casual' just doesn't happen to me...and I suppose that's always been true. My first proper boyfriend was my first love, the one that set the bar (the one that still does, although I hate to admit that after all this time), my first uni boyfriend and I had a long but unhealthy relationship, my second uni boyfriend and I moved in together very early on, I dated a few people in between these relationships (all shortlived) - I was always the girl that relied on a guy to feel wanted, needed, relevant.

I look back now and think, 'there's a reason these relationships didn't work out' - and pure and simply, it's because they just weren't enough. I'm not fussy in the general sense of 'oh his hair's too long', 'he's not tall enough' etc...I'm fussy in the sense of I need mental stimulation, somebody to make me laugh, a bit of give and take. I want a person with drive, that's happy for me to look after them when I'm feeling a bit housewife-y and a person that's equally as happy for me as I am for them when the other has something good happen to them. Somebody I can sit in my scruffy clothes with, no makeup, pineapple hair and not be judged when I make my way through a family sized bar of chocolate. Somebody I can go to a gig with, have a night out with and not argue, somebody that'll get up on a cold Sunday morning and go out for a long walk...maybe what I want is far too idealistic? But there's somebody out there, somewhere. 

I don't think, with the exception of my first love, I've had that. And, even then, we were SO young. So, so young to even realise that life got harder, more difficult...that life wasn't just all about waiting for the summer together where nothing else really mattered because we weren't studying, we were just...free, for all of those weeks.

BUT the best thing is. I don't feel I need this. I don't feel like the person that I want to have all these qualities really is a necessity in my life.

So, at the moment, I'm going it alone in numerous ways but by far the biggest difference is - I don't need anybody to tell me who I am, what I should do, whether I can do it...I'm confident in going it alone, I believe I can. And that is a massive deal. HUGE. I don't need to reassurance of a guy in my life to make me think I'm worth something.

The only person I need to make myself feel enough, to feel relevant...is me. If this is what going it alone feels like, I'm excited.

xo

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