Tuesday, 12 April 2016

LET'S TALK: Separation and Heartbreak

So a little while ago I told you about how my life had changed. About how two things were making me feel so incredibly sad and in a dark place but several other things were making me feel the happiness I've ever been.

Well. Here is it...I'm slightly ready to talk about it.

At the beginning of March my parents separated. After 27 years of marriage.

I'm 25 this month. I'm an adult.
But I'm also an only child whose parents have only ever been together and lived in one house for the entirety of my life. Their marriage, that house, them as siblings not just parents - it's all I've ever known.

I guess it's weird to be the onlooker on somebody else's marriage without even realising. As a couple, they've had the usual couple arguments over the years, they've had amazing holidays, bought lovely things, I've looked at them laughing and joking together without them even realising I've walked into the room.

It's confusing how something that seemed so right, is now so wrong. You always think your parents will stay together. You always think they'll patch over the shit times and just make it work.

I worried when I went to University that without me living at home, things might go a bit pear shaped and they wouldn't stay together. That probably sounds incredibly selfish but it was a genuine worry. You hear so many stories about parents separating once their children move out. But they stayed together. Then I went backpacking and the worry crept back up on me. Again, they stayed together.

I'd also worried, and still do, that over the years I've taken a toll on their marriage. I've not been the easiest to deal with. I was well behaved a child, a stroppy teenager and a wreckless teen to twenty-something. I suffered, undiagnosed, with what I later was told was depression and anxiety whilst at Uni. Those years were hard. I drank a lot, cried a lot, lost my temper a lot, had panic attacks, spent my money frivolously, stayed out all night...at the time I couldn't understand why I was spiralling out of control. I remember my mum always saying to me 'it's like you're on drugs'. But I wasn't and I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. When diagnosed, it was still hard and, even today, I have times when I struggle with feeling down and anxious. It's been a hard thing to try and take control of lately.

Back then, every panic attack, every drunken argument, most times I was in floods of tears; they knew about it. That worry I must have caused them, I know for certain, led to arguments. Arguments about what to do, about how to support me....

Ultimately, I know it is not my fault. Really, I do. I can't say that it hasn't being playing on my mind though.

My Dad and I have always had arguments. We're so alike in personality that it would be a miracle if we hadn't exchanged nasty words. We're similar in the fact that if we're worried, we snap. If we're sad, like really sad, we're quiet...we're calm. I wonder whether the arguments we used to have took their toll. Again, I know that is not a reason for this.

The reason came from one side. Unhappy for over half of my life. Do I believe it? No I don't. I do not believe somebody would be unhappy for that length of time and NEVER say anything. I do not beliee that somebody would not have the respect to talk about things rationally and not save years worth of memories as 'evidence'.

The way that person has since reacted, well, it's disgraceful and completely disrespectful. And the way that person is carrying on now makes my skin crawl.

This decision. From this one person. Has ruined so many things. Childhood memories, losing the house that three generations have grown up in, moving somewhere new, losing our close neighbours, splitting everything...no family Christmases....

It's heartbreaking. Utterly heartbreaking.

I've spent the time between it happening and now being strong for the parent I still actually have a relationship with. You see, the parent that forced this decision has basically cut me off. For no reason. That's another story. Another story that just makes me feel even more let down.

I've stayed strong, as long as I can. But now I think the heartbreak is sinking in. And I feel a bit numb to it all. I am struggling to act like an adult when I just want to act like the child in this situation. I am the child in this situation. I might be nearly 25 but it doesn't mean I don't feel like the child. My parents are splitting up, I'm losing everything I've ever known, it's affected relationships with other people and I never, ever thought that would happen.

I always used to feel proud that I was one of so many friends who actually had parents that were still together. I used to so grateful we could go on family holidays, spend weekends together, knowing that if I wasn't there, they were still together.

The weird is, I've kind of accepted it. Lies have been told, a personality transplant seems to have happened...it's 100% for the best now that it's got to this stage. It still doesn't make it easier.

I suppose there's not really a lot more to say. But I felt like, for me, I needed to type this down and say something because I'm not okay...but I will be. And I know that. I've had problems over the years that I never thought I'd be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel with. This, this is different. It shows me how far I've come, as a person...an adult and somebody that has suffered with mental illness.

I needed to admit to myself that, despite this...I still want to get married, have children, have a life with somebody. This hasn't put me off. Just because one relationship stops working, it doesn't mean another one might actually try to patch up the problems and make things work. People are different. Relationships are different.

People deal with heartbreak in different ways. People deal with being let down, with lies, with deceit - all of it in different ways. I'm not quite sure how I'm dealing with it but I'm getting by...a day at a time.


1 comment:

  1. Aww Tash I feel for you! <3 My parents split when I was 12 and I guess I just accepted it. I just went along with the house move like it was totally normal. I imagine it would be much harder now xx