Monday, 27 June 2016

LET'S TALK: Taking A Break

At the moment, it's safe to say I'm struggling a bit.

I've had A LOT of changes in the last 7 months. One of my oldest and closest friends had a bad accident (she's now doing a little better) and my parents separated.

These two changes were huge for me. Caitlin and I have been friends for over 20 years. She's the mother of the group, the reliable one, the clever one - she's everything a person could be. She's the best person.

My parents had been married 27 years. It's all I've ever known. My childhood home is all I've ever known. My dad and I have a stronger relationship now than we've ever had. My mum and I have crumbled. She's not interested but that's another story for another day. Let's just say, I've had my heartbroken twice in my lifetime - by my first love when he left for university and didn't speak to me for over a year. The second, by my mum. Who, to be honest, I can't even call my mum anymore. The person she has become is certainly not the person that raised me and one of the people I'd consider to be my closest and best friend.

So, in a sense, over the last 7 months, the two people that would be the first people turn to in crisis, I can't.

For Caitlin, her focus and everybody else in her life's focus, is that she put all her strength and energy into getting better. I haven't and wouldn't burden her with this. She's aware but all we want is for her to stay on track and progress with her recovery.

The person I used to be able to call my mother has turned her back.

Thankfully I have several incredibly close friends to turn to, the most supportive dad there is and a boyfriend that, despite his tough love approach, has helped me stay afloat through all of this more than he will ever realise.

Over the next few months I will be moving twice - my family home has now been sold and within the next four weeks, will no longer be my family home. Although, I no longer call the three of us a family. My dad is my family and I know that he would never, ever let me down in any way shape or form.

I am also going to be moving out of my Northampton home. My housemate is moving to Bristol and I'm not sure I really have many options at the moment.

I am hoping to live with my dad once things are sorted, but that's all pending right now.

In all honesty, I don't know how people can really afford to rent alone. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not on the worst wage in the world but forking out £650+ on rent for a decent place in the Midlands with council tax and bills thrown on top of that is steep. Not impossible but very tough.

So right now, I'm struggling to focus whole-heartedly on things.

This post is just to say, I guess, we all have our struggles. I've always used Unorganised Chaos as an online diary, a place for me, my thoughts and my memories. One day I'll look back on this time in my life and I'll see that quote above and I'll smile. I'll smile because it will have been the truth - the future will be bright, not just for me but for Caitlin, for my dad. By that time the negativity in our lives will be gone or at least almost faded.

This post is to assure people that everybody's highlight reel on Instagram or Facebook is just that - it's   the good part of our lives, not the behind the scenes bits - the sad bits, the nasty bits.

This post is to say, I'm taking a break to work on staying afloat, on processing these last few months and sorting out these loose ends that are fast approaching.

I'm doing this with my little army of heroes, the ones that haven't left my side - the ones that have shown their true colours during this time, the ones I can rely on.

I'll still post when I can as I've got a few recipes, restaurants and trips to tell you about but I can't promise how regularly these posts will reach you.

One thing I've learned - things are completely out of our control sometimes but it's about dealing with situations the best way you know how, with the best people you know and, one day, in the end, things will work out. When one door opens, somewhere down the line, another one opens. And behind that door might well be something way better than before.


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